Polysecure: A Guide to Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

erre13: This book is a great resources fir anyone interested in attachment styles and how they affect interpersonal relationships. The book focuses on romantic relationships, primarily polyamorous ones, but anyone in a relationship of any kind can take some information and apply it to their lives.

United States on Dec 07, 2023

Cassandra M.: I bought this book back when I was experiencing feelings of self-hatred, inadequacy, and jealousy in a (toxic) relationship. I thought, "There's no way in hell I could ever be polyamorous, even though I really want to be. I'm just too jealous. It would never work." But this book completely changed my whole perspective on things. It forced me to address WHY I thought I couldn't handle polyamory. Long story short, I worked on myself thanks to this book and have happily been in a few polyamorous partnerships since, with no issues whatsoever as far as the poly dynamic goes.

I even made my two married, monogamous roommates borrow this book. Not only did this book help them in their own monogamous marriage with issues such as insecurity and jealousy, but there is another thing this book helped them with: they told me in January (before reading this book), "We could never be polyamorous. It's just not for us, I guess." ...Well, after reading this book, they talked about things they've never talked about before... and it turns out they both secretly have always wished they could be in a triad. They put in the work on their relationship, and now they're dating my best friend...

United States on Nov 11, 2023

Rob: I do not necessarily consider myself non-monogamous but I find this book very useful for understanding all my relationships. Attachment theory is a very useful lens for looking at relationships. Reading the book is giving me a better understanding of myself and why I show up the way I do in my relationships. It is helping me to see more clearly what I need and helping me to see that I deserve better relationships. I am looking forward to reading the second half which explains how to develop secure attachment in relationships.

United States on Nov 07, 2023

Angela N: As part of a newly opened marriage and a new poly relationship, I decided to read this book to figure out how to be polysecure. I've done self work before; while difficult, I know the reward is worth the heartache. I was not expecting this book's description of insecure attachment styles to hit home so suddenly. I ended up crying...for realizing that I wasn't alone in my attachment style and because I felt broken. Good news, I'm well on my way to earning that secure attachment style I long for. This book is written in plain words which fosters understanding and has a sympathetic theme instead of coming from a place of judgment. Everyone should read this book, whether poly or not.

United States on Aug 30, 2023

The Polybrary: I was slightly put off when I realized the foreward was written by Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two. More Than Two's other author has come under a lot of criticism by his former partners and the nonmonogamous (NM) world in general for his abusive practices. I have not (yet) read More Than Two for this reason and I was hesitant to continue to read Polysecure when I saw Eve's name in conjunction with it - BUT! But but. She states in the foreward that she is aware of the harm that More Than Two has caused, and indeed she wrote quite a lengthy blog post about it that you can read here. For further perspective on the More Than Two saga scandal, I recommend reading this post from Polyamory for Us.

Polysecure is based on the attachment theory of relationships, which has become extremely popular on social media and in mainstream media over the past few years. As with any concept that gains widespread popularity there is now a lot of misinformation and misuse or misapplication of information surrounding it, which leads some people to want to throw out the concept altogether. Fern does an excellent job of relating the concepts of the theory in layman's terms and also of...

United States on Jun 25, 2023

Connie Tancredi-Brice: I would recommend for anyone trying to understand how we relate to people and why. It's helped me observe how I am in relation to my partner, potential partners, friends, mentors, teachers. So helpful. I'll be re-reading for sure!

United Kingdom on Jan 14, 2023

Felicity Chapman: Searingly insightful, joyful and practical. A must read road map for anyone who is poly-friendly, poly-hopeful or poly-practicing.

Australia on Jan 03, 2023

Paulino T E Segundo: Porque agimos como agimos num determinado relacionamento? O que é apego? Como construimos nosso estilo de apego? A autora faz um excelente trabalho respondendo a essas e outras questões importantes para nos conhecermos e nos relacionarmos melhor seja com uma ou mais parcerias e ,sobretudo, com nós mesmos. Um pequeno tesouro! Vale muito a pena!

Brazil on Sep 24, 2022

DJ Karl Marx: Das Buch ist absolut geil!
Ich habe leider keine große Aufmerksamkeitsspanne, aber dieses Buch habe ich verschlungen und dabei musste ich auch manchmal weinen.

Vorwort
Ich bin durch das Thema Beziehungsanarchie auf dieses Buch gestoßen, da alle anderen Bücher (z.B Polyamory - Theorie.org, Radikale Zärtlichkeit, etc. pp.) nur einen Abriss davon bieten, wie patriarchal und kapitalistisch Monogamie ist (pi pa po). Alles schön und gut, jedoch wollte ich für meine eigene, erste poly Partner*innenschaft auch sachlich in die Tiefe gehen, da es in dieser Gesellschaft alles andere als leicht ist, einen alternativen Beziehungsstil zu führen. Ich wollte mal die Gesellschaftskritik außen vorlassen und mich auf meine Freund*innen- und Partner*innenschaft konzentrieren.

Das Buch:
Jessica Fern geht sehr wissenschaftlich vor (LOVE IT!). Erst erklärt sie Bowlbys Bindungstypen - da musste ich bereits weinen, weil das zu viel Reflexion über eigene Kindheitstraumata auf einmal war (hat sich aber gelohnt). Erst nach der Hälfte des Buches kommt es zum Thema Polyamorie und welche Probleme die jeweiligen Bindungstypen evtl. in zwischenmenschlichen Beziehungen haben...

Germany on Sep 15, 2022

Bryan Alexander: I read this book with my primary partner. We read it section by section and discussing each of them. It was a great way to read it we would see ourselves in some aspects of the content. It opened up conversations that we needed to-do.

But most importantly this was a book that really SAW us as poly people and relationship based information on our identity as poly.

In the off chance the author will see this. Thank you for this book and thank you for your perspective.

Canada on Jul 26, 2021